I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
