he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
