Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
