I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
