I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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