Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
