Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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