I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
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