woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
