At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
