he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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