So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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