I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
