Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
