i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
