It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
