Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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