Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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