I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
