I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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