Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
