I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
