I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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