I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
