I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
