I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
