6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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