Tell her she can't have a vagina
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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