In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
