Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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