You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
