Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
