I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
