don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
50% drunk capacity currently
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
