dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
