i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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