I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
