My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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