I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
