OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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