It's like God shit irony all over that family
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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