3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
