There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
