I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
