We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
