Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
