Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm passing your future prison.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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