if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i dont even know how to be here
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
