You smell like stripper and shame
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
