Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
two words...techno handjob
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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