I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So squirting runs in the family.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
