god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
