She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
