i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
