She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
