i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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