He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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